Couples Counselling with Emotion-Focused Therapy for Holiday Relationship Stress 

The holiday season can be filled with so much joy and connection, yet it can also amplify stress and tension within our relationships. Do you find yourself bickering more with your partner? Feeling less supported? More resentful, exhausted, or on edge? Between deciding whose family to visit, managing tight budgets for gifts, and navigating disrupted routines, the holidays can put even strong relationships to the test.  

Why Holidays Are Hard on Relationships  

The holiday season brings unique pressures that can amplify existing relationship tensions. Financial stress is often at the top of the list for many couples, with expectations around gift-giving and travel expenses creating anxiety and conflict. Family obligations add another layer of complexity. Whose parents do we visit? How do we balance competing traditions? These decisions can quickly become emotionally charged.  

The holidays also disrupt our normal routines. You might be spending more time together than usual, hosting guests, or feeling exhausted from social obligations. When we’re tired and overwhelmed, we’re less patient with our partners (and ourselves!). Add in expectations about creating the “perfect” holiday experience, and it’s no wonder couples find themselves snapping at each other over seemingly small things.

Picture this: One of you wants the house looking like a Hallmark movie by December 1st (it’s part of what makes the season feel special!). The other person? They’re already overwhelmed, and one more project feels like too much. Before you know it, there are little jabs: “I’m doing everything myself” or “Why does this have to be such a big deal?” 

It looks like a fight about tinsel and timing, but what’s really happening? One person is reaching for connection through shared rituals, while the other is trying to protect themselves from being stretched too thin. Both are asking: “Are we okay? Do you still see me?”. 

How Emotion-Focused Therapy Helps 

Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) is grounded in attachment theory (the science of emotional bonds between people). Studies show that EFT works really well for couples, with benefits that often last long after therapy is over. 

So, what makes EFT different? Rather than focusing purely on communication techniques or conflict resolution strategies, EFT helps couples understand the emotional patterns underneath their arguments. When you’re fighting about holiday plans, you might actually be expressing fears about being important to your partner, worries about being left out, or anxiety about your relationship being strong enough to weather family pressures. 

EFT therapists help couples identify their “stuck patterns,” or those same fights that happen over and over. Maybe one partner pursues and criticizes while the other withdraws and shuts down. These patterns aren’t about one person being wrong; they’re protective responses that made sense at some point but now keep couples trapped in painful cycles. 

In EFT couples counselling, you can learn to recognize the deeper emotions driving these patterns. Underneath anger, there’s often hurt. Underneath criticism, there’s often fear of disconnection. When partners can share these vulnerable feelings and respond to each other with compassion, the entire dynamic shifts. When partners can hear and respond to these deeper needs, they create the secure emotional connection that helps them navigate any stressor.  

What You Can Do Right Now 

If you’re facing holiday stress and can’t start counselling immediately, here are some EFT-inspired strategies to help you and your partner get through this season: 

Pause and name what you’re feeling: When tension rises, take a moment to identify the emotion underneath your frustration. Are you feeling anxious? Hurt? Alone? (Be gentle with yourself! This can feel really challenging at first, so don’t worry if you’re not always sure what you’re feeling!) 

Recognize your patterns: Most couples have a default dance when they’re stressed. Maybe one pursues while the other withdraws, or both partners get defensive. Simply noticing “we’re doing that thing again” can help you step out of the cycle before it intensifies.

Share your needs clearly: Try expressing your feelings and what you need rather than pointing fingers. Using “I feel…” or “I need…” statements help your partner understand what matters to you and keeps the conversation gentle and connected. For example, “I feel stressed when I do the decorations alone, and I could really use your help” rather than “You never help.” 

Ask what your partner needs: Instead of assuming you know why they’re upset, try asking “What do you need from me right now?” This simple question can shift you from opponents to teammates. 

Schedule connection time: Amid the chaos, carve out even 15 minutes for just the two of you. Intentional connection prevents disconnection! If 15 minutes feels like too much, try turning on a favourite song and dancing together in the kitchen. Still feels like a stretch? A long hug can be just as meaningful (especially if you take a few slow, deep breaths together). These small moments can help your nervous systems settle and support co-regulation and connection.  

Be gentle with repair: When you snap at each other (and you will, we’re all human), come back and repair quickly. A simple “I’m sorry I was short with you” goes a long way in keeping your bond secure. 

These tools aren’t a replacement for therapy when you need it, but they can help you navigate the immediate stress with more awareness and compassion. 
 

Moving Forward Together 

Feel like you need a bit more support? Seeking counselling isn’t a sign that your relationship is failing, it’s a sign that you’re committed to making it better. If you and your partner are struggling with holiday stress or finding yourselves in the same conflicts repeatedly, Emotion-Focused Therapy can help you break those patterns and reconnect with what brought you together in the first place.  

Call or text us at 250-718-9291, and we’ll help get you connected with the counsellor who feels like the best fit for you. 

References 

Beasley, C. C., & Ager, R. (2019). Emotionally focused couples therapy: A systematic review of its effectiveness over the past 19 years. Journal of Evidence-Based Social Work, 16(2), 144–159. https://doi.org/10.1080/23761407.2018.1563013 

 
Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A review of the research in emotionally focused therapy for couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390–407. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12229 

Written by: Lauren Lawrence

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