Self-Compassion

Self-Compassion can’t be good for me, can it?

Does the thought of self-compassion make you feel uncomfortable? Are you a driven perfectionist with unreasonably high and inflexible expectations? Do you ‘beat’ yourself up when you fail? If you do struggle with perfectionism, chances are you may find the idea of self-compassion difficult to accept (Biskas et al., 2022). This is particularly true if your form of perfectionism is characterized by unreasonably high and inflexible standards which are virtually unattainable.

In the tripartite model of perfectionism, this is referred to as maladaptive perfectionism. Yes, believe it or not, there is an adaptive form of perfectionism. Adaptive perfectionists have high standards and strive to achieve them, but their standards are more reasonable and flexible. When maladaptive perfectionists fail to meet their goals, they tend to be self-critical and suffer from self-doubt (Kawamoto et al., 2022). Although there is little difference between the performance of the two groups, adaptive perfectionists are less critical of their performance and more capable of self-compassion (Wakelin et al., 2021).

So, what is self-compassion?

Well, it is essentially compassion directed inward. Compassionate persons are sensitive to suffering when they encounter it and are not overwhelmed. Instead, they commit to act in the face of suffering and try to alleviate it (Wakelin et al., 2021). However, for many of us, responding compassionately to ourselves is more difficult than expressing it towards others. Have you ever thought, “if I am kind to myself I won’t be able to reach my goals?” This rigid adherence to excessively high expectations may produce results, but it can lead to self-flagellation when one’s extreme standards are not met (Germer & Neff, 2013).

Maladaptive perfectionists are prone to hold on to their expectations for fear that letting go of them would lead to poorer results and they pay a high price for doing this (Kawamoto et al., 2022). The price they pay is higher rates of mental illness and lower levels of life satisfaction and self-esteem. Research on self-compassion shows higher levels of self-compassion are associated with equally high if not better performance (Wakelin et al., 2021). People able to treat themselves kindly are more resilient, experience fewer negative emotions, are better at perspective-taking, and acknowledge their failings without harsh self-judgment (Germer & Neff, 2013).

Final Thoughts

Is your maladaptive perfectionism causing you to suffer unnecessarily? Are you afraid to let go of unrealistic expectations and critical self-judgment for fear of negative performance outcomes? If you know you should be kinder to yourself but are afraid to embrace self-compassion, counselling may help.   

If you think counselling could help Contact Us at 250-718-9291 or email us at info@okclinical.com for more information or to book an appointment.

References

Biskas, M., Sirois, F. M., & Webb, T. L. (2022). Using social cognition models to understand why people, such as perfectionists, struggle to respond with self‐compassion. British Journal of Social Psychology, 61(4), 1160–1182. Retrieved March 27, 2023, from https://doi.org/10.1111/bjso.12531

Germer, C. K., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-compassion in clinical practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 856–867. Retrieved March 27, 2023, from https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22021

Kawamoto, A., Sheth, R., Yang, M., Demps, L., & Sevig, T. (2022). The role of self-compassion among adaptive and maladaptive perfectionists in university students. The Counseling Psychologist, 51(1), 113–144. Retrieved March 27, 2023, from https://doi.org/10.1177/00110000221129606

Wakelin, K. E., Perman, G., & Simonds, L. M. (2021). Effectiveness of self‐compassion‐related interventions for reducing self‐criticism: A systematic review and meta‐analysis. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 29(1), 1–25. Retrieved March 27, 2023, from https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2586

Written by: Blaine Croy, MACP Candidate

blaine@okclinical.com

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