Mindfulness Matters- OCCS Blog

Chronic Invalidation

October 18, 2023

The Importance of Social Connection

October 30, 2023

Published by Okanagan Clinical on October 23, 2023

“Say It” Skills

How you bring up your wants and needs can really impact how your partner responds to them. You can utilize some deliberate approaches to encourage the highest odds of success in being heard and your messages being received positively. Avoiding words such as,’ ‘stop,’ ‘won’t,’ ‘can’t, ‘unable,’ and ‘don’t’ is a helpful approach. For instance, rather than saying, “Stop eating your food so quickly and don’t chew with your mouth open”, use language that feels more positive. For example, “I would like to enjoy our meal by eating slowly and deliberately together”. Another example would look like, “This house is a mess! You never help with the cleaning!” whereas instead you might say, “It would make a world of difference if you could find the time to vacuum the living room sometime this week”. A small tweak in the language you use can have a big impact.

Avoid Verbal Trespassing

Communication breakdowns can often be attributed to verbal trespassing. Another way to think of verbal trespassing is to think of it as a crossover. This can look like one partner assuming they know how the other feels, what they need, or what they want. These situations can feel like an invasion of space and are not conducive to good communication. In order to avoid verbal trespassing, you can engage in conversations where you talk about yourself, and when it comes to your partner, you ask; you make space for them to express themselves. Asking questions for information is a good way to go about this. These would often be questions that start with how and what. For instance, “I’m feeling pretty frustrated by the conversation with kids last night. How are you feeling about it?”. Or, “For me, going to the beach is the ideal way to spend our Saturday together. What would your ideal day look like?”

Listening to Learn & Understand

Communication is, of course, as much about listening as it is about speaking. Listening more is helpful, but there is a strong case to be made for not just listening more, but listening differently. Incorporating receptive listening skills in your communication with your partner is key. One approach you can employ is to listen to learn or listen to understand. Rather than being ready to make a response, rather than wanting to problem solve or fix, you hear your partner as a source of information. Your focus is not to answer them, but to learn from them. One way you can do this is to repeat what they say after they’ve said it to make sure you heard it correctly. A slightly different way to think about it is listening to find something right (or something you can agree on). Focusing on something you both see as true or right and then moving the conversation forward from there feels collaborative. From there you can braid the conversation, or move it forward as a pair.