Have you and your partner ever experienced an event, or a period of time, that causes loss of trust, resentment and aggression? Even something so subtle you didn’t notice the buildup of negative emotions towards each other until one day you realize you have been fighting about everything lately. Perhaps it is just one partner who feels this way, and the other is left constantly wondering why they cannot do anything right, why there is so much tension or conflict seemingly out of nowhere, or perhaps even starting to feel suspicion towards their partner. Relationships are difficult; there is no way around that. Once the new relationship energy wears off, it is hard work maintaining a life with someone who does not share all of the same values, opinions and sometimes schedule as us. When trust is lost, and the cause of that loss of trust is not repaired in the short term, it can start to build and eventually you may feel as though you are staring back at all the moments trust slipped right past you and you’re facing what seems like an impossible, and sometimes unbearable, task of beginning to repair the relationship. Individual and couples/family counselling can assist with immediate concerns or long-standing sources of conflict (sometimes known as hot-button topics) in a safe, neutral environment.
Short-Term Trust Repairing – Holding Space
Holding space is a term used to describe allowing another the time and physical, emotional and cognitive space to allow hurt feelings exist. Shutting down negative emotions or anxiety in the moments can actually, at times, hinder the process as the other is not given their time to sort and heal in their own way. Sometimes things cannot be “fixed” in the moment, and sometimes people are not ready to talk or work through it. This does not inherently mean it will never be resolved. Another way to hold space for someone is when a conflict is getting particularly heated and there is no effective communication happening. Sometimes walking away and taking a break is the best thing people can do during a conflict. Self-soothing, alone, and holding space for when your partner is ready to return can be extremely helpful in moving a conversation along effectively. Give your partner space to feel hurt, feel betrayed, feel resentful, but always make sure that, together, you are coming back to discuss and move forward with it. Holding space is a technique specifically designed for the person receiving it, so holding space without expectation for self is key.
Long-Term Trust Repairing – Intentionally Doing the Work
If trust is a long-standing issue and holding space does not work, there are many other options to go about repairing lost or broken trust. To start at the beginning and determine if both/all parties involved want to repair the relationship is an effective place to start. If one person is always trying to save the relationship and the other person has little interest in helping in that process, it is not going to work. Both/all individuals involved in the relationship conflict need to be open to talking, solving, and eventually moving past the issue or issues that resulted in the loss of trust. This is not usually easy to do, is a process that requires effort and mindful approaches, and will take a lot of time, energy and commitment, but it can be done. Knowing the source of the conflict is also paramount, and it may be a surprise to somewhat might actually be causing the problems to begin with. With counselling, healthy communication and striving towards a healthy relationship can be achieved.
This post was written by OCCS’s Clinical Counsellor:
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